Relief

I hate fear. I hate being a scaredy cat. I've always been one. I am terrified of snakes, spiders, anything with more legs than me. ..Anything that slithers or crawls or goes bump in the night. I'm still scared of the dark. I am scared of change. Mostly, though, I am terrified of something happening to someone in my family. I don't think about it a lot because it can be too much and the fear of what could happen gets to be suffocating. I will literally lose my breath and feel a weight on my chest and in my heart. I've woken myself up in the middle of the night sobbing because I was dreaming of a family member's funeral. I've had sweaty palms at the thought of the possibility of a horrible diagnosis for someone I love. So last night when my mom called and said she was taking my dad to the hospital, needless to say I was afraid. Afraid of what they might find. I knew he wasn't dying. He had chest pains with dizziness and nausea and a long history of high blood pressure and heart problems in his family. Being proactive is never a wrong decision so I was glad she was making him go. But as I told the church this morning, fear was the first thing to come over me and all I could think was how much I love him and how much a girl needs her Daddy. I have a wonderful husband. Better than most, in fact. And he is the man in my life in every way. But a girl still needs her Daddy. And I think James understands that now that he has sweet Abigail. One day she'll be married and have her very lucky husband...but her Daddy will want her to still need him as well. And she will.

Because Daddy's blood pressure was so high they decided to keep him overnight and run several tests today. All tests are normal, praise God and they put him on blood pressure medication (which he actually should have been on for about 6 months now if you ask me). The thing is I knew in the back of my mind he would be okay. No, I knew it in my heart. But I still let fear take its vise-like grip. Even if it was only for a few moments. And that makes me so mad. Because I know the Great Physician. I know that by His stripes we ARE healed and that Daddy has far too much work to do for the Lord to need Him now. So I am discouraged by my lack of faith. But by this test and I'm sure the ones to come, the Lord is strengthening me and stretching me and reminding me over and over that He is in control. Even when we're scared our Heavenly Father is cradling us, shielding us from the world's harms. And THAT is where we can find rest. And relief. And thank you Lord that I, like my Dad, will rest easy tonight knowing that. I love you both with all of my heart. (And you too honey.)